There's just so much I want to do. And no time to do it. Sometimes I just feel this constant looming anxiety as the days tick by. Summer is passing me by. Life is passing me by. Or at least it feels like that sometimes. I guess at 18 I can't really say that life is passing me by. I am just thankful that I am figuring out how I want to spend my time here and what makes me happy early on, and not when it is too late and I have wasted so many opportunities and so much time. Gosh I think I hate that word. Time. It's always going too quickly or too slowly, but either way it goes. Most often it is taken for granted. And I think as you get older, it just gets harder to deal with.
And that scares me.
And that scares me.
So now how do I make sure I don't waste my time? Make the most of my life? Do what I love? I don't have those answers. I'm not sure anyone does. But all I can think of right now is getting organized. Organize my life. Organize my schedule, my space, my loves and interests, organize myself. I think the biggest thing is to organize my body. Finally actually lose the weight I want to. Today I was driving and wishing I could look how I wanted and wear what I wanted and feel how I wanted. Then I realized "why can't I have all those things? What is stopping me?" I am stopping me. Why have I looked on with envy at girls who look how I want to look and thought that they must not have any problems because they are skinny and what do skinny people have to worry about? Nothing in my books obviously. I know this raises a lot of questions of body image and what the media is telling girls and women, but I really just want to feel healthier, happier, and better about myself. I want to have the energy and motivation to do all the things on my many lists that I make, and want to enjoy my life without worrying about how I look or wanting to avoid situations because I am not happy with myself. I'm 18-years-old for goodness sake. I should not have a care in the world. Enough is enough and now is the time for change. For real. And I think I might need all of you to hold me to it and cheer me on. This seems like the right place to start because how can I organize the rest of my life if I can't do this? And if I can do that, then I can do anything else I want to.
Plus, who says I can't do it?
Plus, who says I can't do it?
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