10.10.2014

The 1am Rambles

life So, I'm not really sure how to start something like this, but I guess I just have to start somewhere. Here's the thing: I've been having a hard time lately. I wouldn't say that it is about the new things happening in my life, like living on my own for the first time and all the changes that come with it. Maybe that has a little to do with it, but I think I'm actually doing really well with all of that right now. What I am having a hard time with, though, is the idea of life in general.

For some reason, thoughts of my life span and mortality have been constantly looming at the back of my mind for the past couple weeks. I don't really know what triggered it, but I just can't let these things go or turn these thoughts off. The night time is the worst, and I find myself panicking a bit when I am driving or laying in bed. I have a hard time falling asleep, which is why I am sitting here typing away in the middle of the night. I also really hate being alone in the evenings and have probably been leaning on Dai a little too much because of it (for the record, he is a great sport about is and is so comforting). All of this is just so overwhelming to think about and honestly just scares me so much. I am afraid of life and moments passing me by so quickly, and of being alone later in life and of all the people I know and love passing. It is really just too much for me to handle and I'm not sure how to turn all of these thoughts off.

I hear that some of this is normal, that these things cross people's minds at times. What I am concerned about though is that I am finding that these thoughts are preventing me from enjoying my life in the moment. I am experiencing things, but somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking about how one day I won't be here to do these things again or how quickly time will/is passing. Honestly, it is driving me crazy and I really don't know how much longer I can handle all of this. I think I have decided it is time to talk to a professional about what I am experiencing hopeful relieve this anxiety.

I know that this is all very, well, depressing and not necessarily in the realm of things I tend to write about here, but I do believe in honesty and feel that I wouldn't be doing this space justice if I didn't write about the good and the bad. I also just hoped that by writing my thoughts down, I could somehow release all of these feelings so they were no longer trapped inside of me. And, really, writing is the only way I know how to organize my thoughts.

Thank you to those of you who read this post all the way through. You're all really swell. I'll be back more cheerfully soon. xoxo.

6 comments:

Jess said...

Sorry you are experiencing so much stress.
I can understand where you're coming from - some nights I lie in bed wondering where the year went, what life would be like, and what i'd do if i ever lost my husband. It seems silly to other people - but so real to the individual feeling that way.

I find talking about it, and writing about it can only help. Professional or not, a listening ear is often the best remedy for me.

Jess said...

Sweet Jess, not to sound like an old lady, but I do think these feelings normal f, especially being on your own for the first time. It is scary, but you will get a handle on it and be a better person for asking the important questions! I do think talking to someone is a good way to help you work through it, so talking to a counselor is probably a good idea. For something cathartic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-4HrW_kxvk. This is one of my favorite songs, and I listened to it a lot when I was closer to your age, talking about how growing up is painful. It's melancholy, but somehow for me, it made me feel better. Ben Folds is singing to his son, but I think the song is relatable on so many levels. I love you, and this will pass. But please call me anytime you need to talk.

Jess said...

I'm shooting you a text my dear!! <33

Jess said...

smile! you're wearing an A's shirt! ;)

Jess said...

I know exactly what you're talking about and I deal with it pretty often, too. If you feel like you need someone else to talk to or even just write an email - I'll be happy to be your pal. Please let me know if I can be of any help!

I sometimes hate nighttime and going to bed because I'm afraid of thinking and the thoughts and images overtaking my head. It gets worse and I feel tired and totally frustrated but then it goes away and seems like I just imagined it. I'm starting yoga classes tomorrow, maybe it'll help me stay more in control of my thoughts and moods....?

Jess said...

I was experiencing similar feelings over the summer. I turned 25 and all these thoughts of Where am I going? Am I doing alright? Am I spending enough time with my family? Am I doing enough with my life? Am I where I'm supposed to be? were constantly running through my head. I didn't talk to anyone except my fiancé (at the time he was my boyfriend) and I closed off from my friends and family. It took time and a lot of understanding from them that I just wanted to be left alone for a while. This is how I deal with things when I feel like they're getting too heavy. I needed a few months but slowly and surely, with the coming of new events in my life, I felt back to normal. I felt like I had to hone in on what I was doing in my life at that moment. I had to learn to enjoy every moment like I had before, and look forward to the tiniest things and rejoice them! It's not something that can happen overnight, unfortunately. It's constant reassurance from people that you love and understanding on your own part that there are things you just can't control. Everything will be ok. The only thing that can't be fixed is death. Everything else can and will be figured out <3

Sorry for the bit of a ramble, my friend linked me to your blog last night and I fell in love! Then I saw this post this morning and decided to comment <3 I hope you feel better. Only you know what will make you better and how much time it can take.

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