So, I'm not really sure how to start something like this, but I guess I just have to start somewhere. Here's the thing: I've been having a hard time lately. I wouldn't say that it is about the new things happening in my life, like living on my own for the first time and all the changes that come with it. Maybe that has a little to do with it, but I think I'm actually doing really well with all of that right now. What I am having a hard time with, though, is the idea of life in general.
For some reason, thoughts of my life span and mortality have been constantly looming at the back of my mind for the past couple weeks. I don't really know what triggered it, but I just can't let these things go or turn these thoughts off. The night time is the worst, and I find myself panicking a bit when I am driving or laying in bed. I have a hard time falling asleep, which is why I am sitting here typing away in the middle of the night. I also really hate being alone in the evenings and have probably been leaning on Dai a little too much because of it (for the record, he is a great sport about is and is so comforting). All of this is just so overwhelming to think about and honestly just scares me so much. I am afraid of life and moments passing me by so quickly, and of being alone later in life and of all the people I know and love passing. It is really just too much for me to handle and I'm not sure how to turn all of these thoughts off.
I hear that some of this is normal, that these things cross people's minds at times. What I am concerned about though is that I am finding that these thoughts are preventing me from enjoying my life in the moment. I am experiencing things, but somewhere in the back of my mind I am thinking about how one day I won't be here to do these things again or how quickly time will/is passing. Honestly, it is driving me crazy and I really don't know how much longer I can handle all of this. I think I have decided it is time to talk to a professional about what I am experiencing hopeful relieve this anxiety.
I know that this is all very, well, depressing and not necessarily in the realm of things I tend to write about here, but I do believe in honesty and feel that I wouldn't be doing this space justice if I didn't write about the good and the bad. I also just hoped that by writing my thoughts down, I could somehow release all of these feelings so they were no longer trapped inside of me. And, really, writing is the only way I know how to organize my thoughts.
Thank you to those of you who read this post all the way through. You're all really swell. I'll be back more cheerfully soon. xoxo.
I know that this is all very, well, depressing and not necessarily in the realm of things I tend to write about here, but I do believe in honesty and feel that I wouldn't be doing this space justice if I didn't write about the good and the bad. I also just hoped that by writing my thoughts down, I could somehow release all of these feelings so they were no longer trapped inside of me. And, really, writing is the only way I know how to organize my thoughts.
Thank you to those of you who read this post all the way through. You're all really swell. I'll be back more cheerfully soon. xoxo.
